Getting back out there - dating after a breakup
Updated: Oct 13
It can be hard to get back out there after a breakup or divorce. And while the landscape, including online dating, might look quite different from when you last dated, there are still some golden rules which apply.
Before diving in, assess your readiness by ensuring you aren't still fixated on your ex. Embracing "intentional singlehood" allows you to recalibrate boundaries instead of rushing to fill a void, and consulting a therapist can provide valuable support during this healing phase.
Dating again, while scary and uncomfortable, can also be a lot of fun.
A couple of quick tips:
Let people know that you are dating. Friends can be a great source of suggesting potential dates. More traditional ways of meeting people are still completely OK. While apps offer endless options, "app fatigue" has driven a shift toward "intentional transparency" regarding relationship goals. Keep online chats brief (1–2 weeks), watch out for AI-generated bios or altered photos, prioritise safe public meeting spots, and consider low-stakes daytime or "dry dates" to gauge real chemistry. During your date its great to ask open ended questions and show your interest in what the other person is talking about. Do be aware that if someone sounds too perfect, they quite likely are. There are people out there taking advantage of others - friends and family members may be a good sounding board if you are unsure. Its also important to know that you shouldn't feel that you need to rush things. If someone is making you feel unsafe in any way, walk away.
So once you actually start dating, it can be difficult to discern who you can trust.
Dr John Gottman looked at trustworthiness in his research and found there are five criteria which can help you separate out the keepers from the duds.
Honesty - Walk away from liars without making excuses, and remain trustworthy yourself, watching out for digital traps like "breadcrumbing".
Transparency - Isolation from family/friends is a red flag, which now extends to digital transparency and avoiding partners who keep you hidden online.
Accountability - are they keeping their promises and following through with commitments?
Ethical actions - if you are uncomfortable with their morals, move along
Proof of alliance - its important to feel that the person you are dating has your back, so make sure that they take your best interests into account and not just act for their own self-benefit.
The Takeaway: Building a new relationship after a breakup is a brand new adventure. By using these trust criteria early on, you can ensure that you are facing the future together as a true team.
Are you in the early stages of a new relationship and want to set yourselves up for long-term success? Let's protect your relationship peace early. Schedule a Free 15-Min Discovery Call with me today to see how couples counselling can help you build an unbreakable foundation.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational and educational purposes only. It should not be taken as counselling/therapy advice or used as a substitute for such. You should always speak to your own counsellor.
