Defensiveness - Own your part

Defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which the Gottman's identify as particularly detrimental for couples in conflict.

It can be tempting to point out your partner's flaws and to imagine yourself as a victim in your relationship. Often this is when we get critical - we attack our partner's personality or character, rather than focusing on the behaviour that is problematic.

In conflict, we often see defensiveness in response to criticism. Defensiveness can be defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood we use in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. It can be very easy to lean across the fence and blame your partner, to counter with pointing out their flaws "It's not me, it's you", or to see yourself as a victim "poor me, I'm justified to retaliate because you attacked me". Here is the thing, we are all responsible for our own behaviour - in adult relationships people don't 'make people do things'. The antidote to getting defensive is to accept your partner's perspective (letting it land) and to take responsibility for your role in the situation or even own part of the conflict.

Can you hear the thing that your partner is trying to convey? Sometimes it can be helpful to take notes during the conversation to help you focus. By taking responsibility and accountability for even a part of the thing which your partner is trying to bring to your attention, you can prevent the conflict from escalating or stalling. It starts building a bridge in the communication. In doing so it's helpful to use I-statements and owning it, apologising for it. Be mindful of not following the taking of responsibility with a 'but', as in "yes I do this, but you do this...". This will undermine and devalue your apology. If you have a separate complaint, raise that separately with a gentle start: "I feel (name feeling), about what (describe the situation, not the person), and what you feel you need...".

If your partner is repeating themselves or your defensiveness is getting in the way, these might be signs that what your partner is trying to convey is not landing because either one of you is flooded (i.e,. you are starting to go into fight/flight/freeze). When you are feeling flooded, you might need to take a time-out first, self-soothe, and then come back to conversation when your body and mind feels calmer.

We all have things that we are particularly sensitive to, whether that be around fairness, justice, being made to feel small, not enough, not worthy, not important, too much, too emotional, alone, not having control, not having a voice, etc. It can be helpful to start noticing some particular themes around the things you get defensive about and reflecting more about why these things in particular for you drive a more defensive reaction. This can be helpful to share the origin/hurt story with your partner so that they understand your sensitive spots better.

Extra resources:

• Here is a short video by Brene Brown which talks about blaming, and how when we blame we don't take accountability.

• Here are two short podcasts by the Gottman Institute on the 3 types of defensiveness and how to respond non-defensively

• Extra Gottman tips on how to listen without getting defensive

Finally, here are some points for self-reflection from Jessa Zimmerman about owning your part:

#fourhorsemen #defensiveness #ownyourpart #relationshipssquared

Disclaimer: This post is for informational and educational purposes only. It should not be taken as counselling/therapy advice or used as a substitute for such. You should always speak to your own counsellor.