top of page
Search

Helping your partner heal from your infidelity

Writer: Dr Karin du Plessis
Dr Karin du Plessis
Jun 27, 2021
4 min read

Updated: 2 days ago

Silhouette of a distressed couple standing apart against a sunset, illustrating the emotional distance, trauma, and crisis of relationship betrayal and infidelity.

Linda MacDonald's book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, identifies 15 essential tips to help your partner heal from your infidelity, unfaithfulness or betrayal. You can buy it in digital format (Kindle) or in hard copy. This is an excellent resource that I highly recommend to all my couples navigating the trauma of infidelity and betrayal.


In her book, MacDonald distinguishes between those who are able to successfully rebuild after a breach of trust and those who do not. She notes that successful rebuilders are truly repentant and humbly seek to repair the damage they have caused. They willingly accept their roles as healers for their wounded partners, viewing reconciliation not as a right, but as a privilege that depends entirely upon their own ongoing efforts and the good graces of their betrayed partner.


To begin this process, you need to understand the wrongness of your behaviours and the true depth of the pain you have caused. This requires effectively renouncing old secrets, developing a keen sense of what it must be like to be in your partner’s shoes, and mustering the courage to identify hurtful actions as severe violations of your partnership without making excuses. It is unhelpful to refer to these misbehaviours as "harmless dalliances", "just friendships", or "getting a little on the side". You must name them honestly for what they are—unfaithfulness, adultery, infidelity, breaking your vows, lying, and deceitfulness.


'Getting' the Depth of the Pain:

MacDonald notes that betraying partners often struggle to find authentic empathy in the early stages for three main reasons:

  • The ego boost from feeling wanted by an affair partner: This person may have seen you as perfect in a baggage-free environment, making you feel appealing, desirable, and highly esteemed outside the ordinary burdens of real life.

  • The unfair contrast between the alternative and your wounded partner: Hurt partners are frequently traumatised to the point that they can hardly think straight, causing them to behave in uncharacteristic, volatile, or unattractive ways by comparison.

  • The tendency to be emotionally self-consumed: You may be absorbed with damage control, feeling intensely conscious of your own guilt, shame, and fear of consequences or disapproval, which others can easily perceive as only being sorry that you were caught.


Important Reading for Both Partners

To understand the biological reality behind these intense emotional storms, it helps to look at the clinical research:

  • Read this post from the Gottman Institute about the profound grief and trauma symptoms your wounded partner is experiencing, which frequently mimic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

  • Explore this guide outlining how to rebuild trust after infidelity with specific, practical tasks assigned to both partners.


Be realistic about what repair involves. Rebuilding after a deep deception is a non-linear process that takes many months or even years. The pace must be set entirely by the hurt partner. Triggers will inevitably arise, and each time they do, it takes continual courage to turn towards your partner rather than pulling away. Turning towards them communicates that you see their pain, accept responsibility, and re-vow to protect their safety. Take hope from the fact that consistent transparency and genuine contrition will cause these waves to settle and feel less acute over time.


Moving Beyond Crisis

In professional couples counselling, we target this crisis through three progressive stages: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. We not only work through immediate accountability but safely explore your relationship dynamics to prevent future drift.

In her book Not "Just Friends", Dr Shirley Glass emphasises preventing infidelity by maintaining strict emotional privacy at home—avoiding emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives, recognising that workplace environments can become danger zones, being highly discerning with online friendships, and surrounding yourself with a social circle that actively supports your relationship.


Infographic diagram illustrating the 3-Phase Betrayal and Trust Recovery Journey used by Relationships Squared in Melbourne. The light pink and grey horizontal timeline outlines the Gottman Method approach: Phase 1 Atonement to manage the crisis and stabilise boundaries, Phase 2 Attunement to understand relationship vulnerabilities, and Phase 3 Attachment to build a new future contract built on absolute transparency and mutual trust.

Reflection: What have you not done yet, and where do you need to continue ongoing work? What is one thing you can start doing differently today?


Recommended Resources

To support your journey through the progressive clinical stages of Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment, we highly recommend utilizing a mix of both audio and written materials.


Companion Podcasts

Airing on alternating weeks, these two shows provide an integrated, dual-perspective approach to long-term trust recovery:

  • Ask the Unfaithful Podcast (Listen on Apple Podcasts | Spotify): Hosted by therapist James Annear and Sam (from Sam's Healing Podcast), both of whom are in long-term recovery themselves. This show provides direct, professional insight into the mind of the unfaithful partner, addressing how problematic behaviours impact relationship safety and offering actionable steps to actively help a betrayed spouse heal.

  • Ask the Betrayed Podcast (Listen on Apple Podcasts | Spotify): Hosted by licensed therapist Sharon and relationship coach Rae. As betrayed partners in long-term recovery, they host a safe space focused entirely on trauma recovery, managing hypervigilance, and rebuilding internal safety.


Books & Articles


While these readings provide an essential starting point for early accountability, navigating the deep trauma of a breach of trust requires professional guidance. If you need a safe container to stabilise your relationship, read about our structured Infidelity & Betrayal Recovery Counselling in Melbourne or book a free 15-minute enquiry call to discuss your path forward together.




Disclaimer: This post is for informational and educational purposes only. It should not be taken as counselling/therapy advice or used as a substitute for such. You should always speak to your own counsellor.

 
 
bottom of page