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Secrets of (post-baby) couples whose sex life is going well

Writer: Dr Karin du Plessis, PhD
Dr Karin du Plessis, PhD
Sep 4, 2021
3 min read

Updated: Oct 13

The Gottman's have written an excellent book some years ago for couples who are about to have, or have had, their first baby - And Baby Makes Three. This is the official book of their Bringing Baby Home Program for which there are also additional resources such as a workbook and card decks available on their website and in the Gottman App, plus a transition to parenthood webinar.


And Baby Makes Three includes a six-step plan for preserving relationship intimacy and rekindling romance - and based on their research also includes 10 secrets of couples whose post-baby sex life is going well. While all of these pointers are spot-on tips for couples with children, many also apply to childless couples leading busy lives.


Why Post-Baby Sex Life is Blocked by the "Invisible Load"

It is almost impossible to transition into an intimate headspace when you feel like a household project manager with thirty tabs open in your brain. For many new parents, a struggling sex life isn't actually a passion problem—it's an administrative fatigue problem. When your relationship defaults to a transactional cycle of chores and childcare logistics, your Emotional Bank Account falls into a deep deficit.


To spark physical desire, you must first lower each other's defensive guard outside the bedroom. Relieving the invisible mental load through active appreciation, and committing to small, daily micro-deposits—like nonsexual touch and validating each other's domain exhaustion—is what builds the emotional safety net required to move away from "roommate mode" and back into intimate connection.


If you feel stuck in a transactional loop, exploring targeted Couples Counselling for Parents can provide the dedicated space you need to step away from family logistics and transition from co-parents back to partners.



10 SECRETS OF COUPLES WHOSE SEX LIFE IS GOING WELL

  1. Accept that things have changed since the baby arrived. This means shifting away from a silent scoreboard. Accept that parenting fatigue is cumulative. When you stop treating household chores as a baseline expectation and start actively vocalising appreciation for both the physical execution and the invisible mental planning it takes to run the home, you naturally top up your relationship's emotional buffer.

  2. Ask each other for sex

  3. Talk about what feels good sexually, and how to make it better

  4. Continue nonsexual affection, especially touch. Physical intimacy easily falls away when one or both partners feel entirely "touched out" by children. Try introducing a deliberate six-second kiss when saying goodbye or reuniting at the end of the day. Six seconds is a vital micro-deposit that is long enough to release oxytocin, lower cortisol levels, and signal deep appreciation amidst the domestic chaos.

  5. Realise that in most cases, he's a microwave and she's a Dutch oven

  6. Accept that quickies are as important as gourmet sex

  7. Accept masturbation, and continue to have oral sex (if you've always liked it)

  8. Share your sexual fantasies

  9. Discuss your innermost feelings and don't avoid conflict

  10. Prioritise gourmet sex and make time for it.


The Gottman's recommend looking through the list of ten items and picking one issue to discuss with your partner. Then both talk about what changes you would like to see in this area of your sex life. Be gentle.


💡 Is Parenting Fatigue Keeping You Apart?

If your conversations have entirely defaulted to a transactional roommate routine of kid logistics and chore delegation, your sexual intimacy will inevitably pay the price.



Disclaimer: This post is for informational and educational purposes only. It should not be taken as counselling/therapy advice or used as a substitute for such. You should always speak to your own counsellor.

 
 
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