Generosity is love in action
Updated: Oct 12
In 2014, researcher John Gottman listed kindness and generosity as the two most important elements in a lasting union. This is about 'turning towards' your partner - it's not about scorekeeping, expecting something in return, self-sacrifice or denying yourself.
Often when we think of generosity we tie it to giving to charity or giving gifts to friends or family. But it is just as much about how we relate to others, ourselves and the world. It is about having a willingness to open up and share what you have. This is about understanding that when you give, you are connected to each other.
Speaking to couples in our current economic and social climate, maintaining kindness and generosity can feel harder than ever. Between the unrelenting pressure of the cost-of-living crisis, rising interest rates, and the constant digital noise of our hyper-connected world, it is easy to feel running on empty. When we feel overwhelmed, our capacity to give—even to ourselves—shrinks. This is why cultivating relational generosity is a radical act today. We must actively practice giving to ourselves in rest, boundaries, and self-compassion so that we have the emotional bandwidth to show up generously for our partners.
Generosity is something that can be cultivated, but needs regular practice. In her book, The Mindful Day, author Laurie J. Cameron includes the following tips on how to be generous, which equally apply to our couples relationships:
Be present for loved ones. The greatest gift you can offer anyone you love is your undivided attention. In an era dominated by algorithmic feeds and continuous phone notifications, true presence is rare. Before you spend time with your partner, intentionally put your phone away or switch it to "Do Not Disturb." Close your eyes, take a deep breath, settle your nervous system, and fully commit to the physical space you share with your companion.
Listen generously. Pay attention with curiosity and an open mind, completely independent of your own response timeline. This means pausing your internal urge to fix, counter-argue, or jump straight to solutions. Make deliberate space to take in not only your partner's words but the vulnerable feelings, tone, and emotions driving them underneath.
Embrace gratitude. Make a list once a week of the things you are grateful for and why they matter. Focusing on what you have instead of what you don't will build a sense of abundance and make it much easier for you to be generous with others in all aspects of your life.
Give your time. Align your skills and strengths with your community's needs. Volunteer at a school, cook a meal, mentor someone who is learning. Every small act counts - holding the door, carrying groceries, fixing a neighbour's car.
Generate positive thoughts. Make it a habit to be generous in how you think about others. Counter your tendency to judge or compare others with focusing on the good in each person you encounter - especially your loved ones. Express appreciation specifically and frequently; send 'thank you' notes, emails, texts - whatever gets the message across.
You can start today with small, intentional gestures. In long-term relationships, it is rarely the grand romantic displays that matter most—it is the consistent, daily micro-deposits into your Emotional Bank Account that build lasting resilience. Make your partner a coffee exactly how they like it. Send a text during a stressful workday simply to vocalise your appreciation. Put down your phone, look them in the eyes, and listen with genuine curiosity. Generosity isn't about scorekeeping or tracking a silent transaction; it is about choosing to turn toward your partner with kindness, ensuring you tackle life’s modern stressors as a unified, valued team.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational and educational purposes only. It should not be taken as counselling/therapy advice or used as a substitute for such. You should always speak to your own counsellor.
